I must . . . practice acceptance, no matter how uncomfortable that may feel.
I am currently having difficulty practicing “principles before personalities” (Tradition Twelve). We have a challenging OA member at one of my meetings. Her attendance is erratic, but when she is there, the meeting immediately takes on an “uptight and on-alert” vibe, and our newer members shut down and withdraw. Our newcomers are sorting out their pathways since they experienced the hope that “keep coming back” promises but are not yet fully immersed in the program. Normally, they would gradually be feeling safe enough to share, to stay a little longer after the meeting, and sometimes even take the room key. However, the sense of safety in our meeting is sorely compromised when this member attends. Our sense of haven, refuge, and serenity within is disturbed, and the camaraderie and trust we usually share is tested. I fear we may lose these newcomers as a result of this one very confronting personality amongst us.
My problem is that I want to continually take this member’s inventory, and truth be known, give her a real lecture (yes, a lecture—I cannot deny it!) about the behaviors she shows and words she uses. But here I must stop and ask myself “What is my part in this? What is it in me, that is so disturbed by this member? What is it in me that needs to change? What action or inaction do I need to take? What does my program tell me to focus on? Oh boy, is that hard!
Program is my foundation. It is the solid ground upon which my life stands, and God of my understanding is the center of my world. Thus, I must listen and learn. I must get my magically magnifying mind off my expectations and my self-righteous hobby horse and practice acceptance, no matter how uncomfortable that can feel. Using a resentment prayer, I pray for this person, for their “health, prosperity, and happiness” (Alcoholics Anonymous, Fourth Edition, p. 552) just as the Big Book suggests—I have the textbook, and in it are all the answers I will ever need for a life in recovery. I must take the actions that strengthen me personally and our Fellowship as a whole. I must do my part to spread the joy of our program and not cut it down in any way, which in this situation, my self-centered and willful nature would try to have me believe the latter is a great course of action.
Using a resentment prayer, I pray for this person, for their “health, prosperity, and happiness” . . .
Thank goodness there is God! I am “God prodded” to say less, not more. I ask for help. I share with my sponsor while respecting anonymity, and I seek guidance from more experienced members to determine how I can best be in this situation. I speak respectfully and listen attentively. I pause before giving reactionary responses. I accept suggestions that are in keeping with the group conscience of OA, but I also have a responsibility as a trusted member of our Fellowship, to question anything that is not in alignment with our program. Our Steps and Traditions are clear and simple and the counsel given within them is the pathway to recovery. Principles, not personalities and personal opinions, are the stronghold for us all.
This is not an easy situation. I am fearful about encountering this member at an upcoming meeting. But I know that the act of writing this little article is part of my processing and my recovery. I know I must take action and walk the next rightly indicated step forward. I know I must get right out of my own head (it’s so often a dangerous neighborhood up there!) and diligently work my own program. I know, today, I will act and speak well. I will be of maximum usefulness as God directs me. First and foremost, I will practice gratitude for the beautiful gift of abstinence, which is here for my taking each new day.
I smile as I write, for I know my life is rich with joy and contentment. This situation too, shall pass. There will be others to come, but underneath it all, there is God and thus, there is no cause for fear. Be still . . . and know that all is well.
—Anonymous
