Step Two: “Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.”
Spiritual Principle: Hope
The first sentence in Chapter 2 of The Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions of Overeaters Anonymous, Second Edition is “Many of us compulsive overeaters tend to look at this Step and say: ‘Restore me to sanity? I don’t need that. I’m perfectly sane. I just have an eating problem’” (p. 9).
I absolutely believed that about myself, especially the phrase “I’m perfectly sane.” One of the reasons is because I had witnessed the insanity of obsessive compulsive disorder in my psychiatric patients when I was a young nurse, and I was sure I was not like that person stuck in a behavior that prohibited them from living a normal life! I once had a patient who couldn’t cross the threshold of any doorway until they had completed a ritual of behaviors that involved counting, rocking back and forth, and touching the door. So no, I was nothing like them, thank you very much God!
As a nurse I knew about Twelve Step programs but this Step Two was always repulsive to me because it required that I believed and admitted that I was suffering from a form of insanity, and I couldn’t/wouldn’t do that. How could it be true if I was so capable in caring for others?
My truth? I have always had an obsession and compulsion to take care of others, to see how they are and determine what it is that they need. This is familiar to many of us who have lived or are living with family who are alcoholic or mentally ill or have any form of poor health, we focus on their needs and become or provide whatever we are capable of becoming or providing for their benefit.
It was in this way that, at an early age, I lost myself by ignoring my needs or at least believing that they were not as important as my mother’s or father’s. I learned to be independent and codependent in caregiving. I did not learn to be interdependent nor expect to receive care from someone who claimed to love me. I believed it was up to me to be strong, figure things out and carry on as best I could. In times of serious stress, like divorce, raising teenagers, moving, or changing jobs, my attempts to care for myself became either one or the other, compulsive overeating or fasting.
Step Two is a huge Step—it was and is for me.
The thing that finally forced me to my knees and admit there was something wrong with me (insanity!) was when I found myself exhausted, feeling very much alone even though I was surrounded by people, and I was also 70 pounds (32 kg) overweight.
Twelve years earlier, I took a chance on a life relationship I thought was a really good one—healthier than I had known before—and that would make a difference in my life and all my relationships. But it turned out it wasn’t so healthy and didn’t really improve my life and others lives for the better. In fact, it led me to a failure to thrive to the point that I had no more ability to care for anyone, not even myself. I felt foolish and ashamed that I had once again made a big mistake in my life.
Thank God for good friends who know us and love us through our struggles without trying to fix us. My friend shared what was helping her and suggested I attend a Twelve Step meeting in another fellowship with her! Long story short, this led me to work the Steps in that fellowship, and in the fallout of working Steps Four and Five, I acknowledged my inability to control my eating, no matter how hard I tried, and this eventually led me to all of you. I knew how much my other fellowship was helping me admit the truth about my life issues, and I hoped OA would help me with this insane relationship I have with food.
My hope has turned into certainty. I am certain that my Higher Power is a source of loving kindness that wants healthiness and wholeness for me. I experience that Higher Power in the readings, in the sharing at meetings, and in my sponsor who is teaching me how to care for myself. She has helped me understand and accept that whenever I am honest and humble myself to the truth that I have a disease, and left to its own devices, my disease would use food to fill my emptiness or numb my pain.
Step Two is a huge Step—it was and is for me. And I know, if I tried taking Step Two in isolation, the effect would be negligible for me. But with you as an integral part of my Higher Power, I am experiencing a new way of living that is healthy and is teaching me to talk about my needs and fears instead of pushing them down with too much food or drink.
—Nancy Z., Missouri USA
