After reflecting on my Tenth Step inventory, my perception is that I had experienced spiritual relapse long before the physical relapse.
I thought God had forgotten me in my relapse, but when I returned to the meetings, I realized it was another call from God. I joined a virtual OA meeting and truly listened and engaged in the meetings and shares. I prayed for willingness and saw myself participating when they called for shares from returning members.
I first came to OA because I felt the impact of my compulsive eating on my self-esteem and relationships. Through working the Twelve Steps in the OA program, I found a personal and loving God and realized I needed to ask for help. At first I didn’t believe that God was actually interested in what I ate, but then that same Higher Power guided me to a journal for maintaining a healthy weight. Upon reading it, I knew God was leading me to OA for healing. With my awareness opened, denial disappeared. I realized that my Higher Power does care about what I eat, just as a mother cares about what her children eat. This was my first serious awakening in OA, and what a relief it has been to understand that mindless eating isn’t a battle that I have to win on my own.
After my relapse, it was suggested that I write a Step Ten inventory, along with another member who was returning after relapse. It was tough, but I did it:
- Arguing. In the last week before my relapse, I argued with my neighbor over a trivial matter for hours. In the midst of the argument, I realized it was futile, but I continued anyway.
- Selfishness. On the day of my relapse, during a family gathering that I enjoyed, I monopolized all the time and kept boasting about myself. I knew it was wrong but continued anyway.
- Self-will. In my last conversation with my sponsor, I felt I understood everything and needed no guidance.
- Disobedience. When I reviewed my food plan, I didn’t want my abstinent portions to be that way.
- Denial. When my loved ones told me I wasn’t eating peacefully, I replied that everything was calm.
- Depression. I repeatedly didn’t answer the phone, didn’t take a shower, and had no reason to clean the house.
- Dishonesty. Three nights before my relapse, I lied about the amount I had eaten.
- Eating foods that cause cravings. Although I know I have a sugar addiction, I consumed a diet soda.
- Excessive fatigue. Suddenly, the age on my identification card seemed old to me, and I felt unable to do things and constantly felt tired.
- Expecting too much from others. Why didn’t my sponsor call me? Why did that man stand up on the bus? and a thousand other whys severed my connection with others.
- Forgetting gratitude. I didn’t see any reason for gratitude, and my notebook was empty of any thanksgiving.
- Hopelessness. I was hopeless not only about weight loss through this Fellowship but about everything. I imprisoned myself in my room with constant sadness and listened to sad music.
- Remorse. There were moments when I couldn’t sit still, feeling an emptiness in my heart. To soothe it, I indulged in overdrinking.
- It is not ruining me. My spouse told me, “I think you’re eating too much fruit. Is this diet not ruining you?” I replied loudly, “It’s not ruining me.”
- Carelessness and neglecting discipline. I took casual walks and didn’t even bother to put my shoes in the shoe rack.
- Pitying myself. A voice in my head said, “You’re so unfortunate that you’re even helpless with your eating.”
- Using food to alter mood. I was heavily reliant on overdrinking.
- Avarice. I found myself trapped again in the cycle of greed.
In OA, I’ve learned that mindless eating is a physical illness with an emotional cause and a spiritual remedy, and after reflecting on my Tenth Step inventory, my perception is that I had experienced spiritual relapse long before the physical relapse. Since returning to OA, my relationship with my Higher Power has expanded and deepened because the Fellowship helps me in my relationship with my Higher Power. Now every morning, I lift the veil of disobedience and commit to recovery as I pray, “God, humbly I ask that you nourish my body, heart, and soul. You know what I need, and when I’m afraid and powerless. Help me surrender myself and my loved ones to you and your divine timing. Help me be in the hands of your love and peace, and today, I’ve resolved to serve as you command.”
Abstinence provides clarity for me to remain open to the messages from my Higher Power that come when I listen to my body’s wisdom and hear the guiding voices of my Higher Power, my recovery companion, and other OA members when they share during meetings. I pray to see and hear others through God’s eyes and ears. As I heal, I open my heart to receive spiritual gifts, including acceptance, forgiveness, freedom, and the serenity of my soul, so that I may share these gifts with others.
—Hafeze, Gilan, Iran
