I almost didn’t stay in OA because I was an atheist who felt he could prove God didn’t exist.
Before program my top weight was 430 pounds (195 kg). At my first meeting 30 years ago, I weighed 380 pounds (172 kg). I reached my goal weight of 200 pounds (90 kg) and maintained that approximate weight for many years. Later, I relapsed to a new top weight of 460 pounds (209 kg). Now with four years of abstinence, I am back to within 20 pounds (9 kg) of my goal weight. I am grateful for OA.
I almost didn’t stay in OA because I was an atheist who felt he could prove God didn’t exist. When I asked questions at my first meetings, such as, “How can an atheist work this program?” I was told I did not need to believe in God. I could use the group as a Higher Power because the group was comprised of people with recovery from compulsive overeating. Reading the chapter “We Agnostics” in the Big Book (Alcoholics Anonymous, 4th ed., pp. 44-57), I got the message “if you stick with us, we will convert you.” I did not want to be converted.
I procrastinated working the Steps because they mentioned God. I was lucky to get a Step sponsor who was cut from the same cloth I was. He was an over- 100-pound (45-kg) loser and also came to program as an atheist.
Straight away my Step sponsor asked me to give up the God debate. He said proving God didn’t exist did not improve my life. If I could come to believe that a Power greater than myself could restore me to sanity (Step Two), my life could experience great improvement. My sponsor asked me to “act as if” by praying even though I didn’t think I was praying to God. To my horror and disgust, prayer worked! If I said the Serenity Prayer, I became more serene.
After starting out by “acting as if,” I went on a spiritual quest and found a Higher Power that works for me. My current Higher Power is not like the rejected God of my youth. My Higher Power is the God within, higher self, or intuition. Most important, I need to remember I am not my Higher Power. The “I” writing this story is the self-centered consciousness that is powerless over food. “I” is the loud voice in my head that makes constant comments on and criticisms of the world.
A “still, small voice” within me (my Higher Power) has the power to help me not take that first compulsive bite, one day at a time. This Higher Power knows how to live the Serenity Prayer. I don’t say I believe in my Higher Power. I have too much scientific background to use belief as a source of knowledge. Instead I say I have evidence for my Higher Power’s existence because my life is better if I assume my Higher Power exists.
—Frank H.
