Today, I cannot think myself into good acting; rather, I have to act myself into good thinking.
I’m grumpy this morning! I am on Day 7 of Covid, still testing positive and chomping at the bit to get back into life. Doesn’t God know my timetable? Hasn’t he got his will aligned with mine? Shouldn’t I be through this by now? Grrr . . .
I am struggling with acceptance, struggling in this space between not being completely ill enough to be in bed, but not yet well enough to be back to work or my regular routine. So what am I going to do about this? The only thing I know that works: remembering that this is a program of action that works when I work it.
This year sees me in program for 24 years, abstinent one day at a time by the grace of my God. I am active in Step and service work. I sponsor, I go to two face-to-face meetings each week when I can (which is usually always), and I base my daily decisions on what I have learned in OA.
Today, I cannot think myself into good acting; rather, I have to act myself into good thinking. I started this day with my quiet prayers, and even though I felt somewhat disengaged, I still took the action. I did my program writing and read my current program literature. I ate an abstinent breakfast, despite my taste buds still trying to play games with me and tempt me into making choices to feed the voice that says, “Poor you, you’re sick.” I reached out to my OA fellows with messages and wished them each a lovely day. Next, I took a gentle walk and tried to avoid pushing my recovering body too hard, which is a real challenge for me! As I walked, I listened to OA podcasts from longtimers who have such real experience, strength and hope to share. And now, I sit here writing this story so that I can start to regain my sanity.
I have been feeling sorry for myself, and I know the only way to get out of this space is to get out of my own head and take action. I have no idea if writing this will help anybody else, but I know it will help me. When I get the thoughts down on paper, I see the self-centered nature of my pity and am humbled to know that at least I will recover from my second round of Covid. Many others have lost their lives or loved ones this way. I have so much in this day to be grateful for. It is a most beautiful autumn day, I have a lovely sunny home, I have people who really care about me, and I am abstinent! How many blessings is that in one sentence? And that’s just a sprinkling.
I’m also scared and fearful because today I was scheduled to work. My boss has been very understanding, but when I tested positive again yesterday, I needed to tell them again that I was unavailable, especially since I would be in contact with the elderly. I felt so guilty! I felt like I had to justify my Covid. Then my self-esteem gets sorely battered around, and the old thinking gets a hold: oh, you’re not that sick; oh you’re just faking it; oh you’re letting people down; come on, you’ve had six days off already—surely you’re okay to work now! This thinking is cruel. It’s also false! But it takes action, like using the Tool of writing to get it out of the way and settle into God-centered serenity once more.
I mentioned my taste buds. I still have a strong and recurring metallic taste in my mouth, and I have nausea bouts often. Some of my “regular foods” I cannot face—who would ever have thought I’d be off carrots?! I just want bland foods. I’ve swapped out a few things to ensure enough blandness because that’s what is settling my stomach; however, I still don’t play around with my food. I don’t skip meals, and I commit my food in writing each day as I always have. My God does not want me fat—of that I am sure—so I am enabled to make sensible choices to enhance my recovering physical self. I have to trust, and the adage that says “If you worry, why pray and if you pray, why worry?” comes to mind. It’s so true.
Finally, I enjoy exercise, but today, I’ve had to forgo tramping (hiking) with the club I belong to and also going to the gym and doing my regular classes. This is so challenging for me. But I know God will have me back to health as long as I stick to his timetable and stop trying to manipulate it for him! Impatience is a character defect of mine—surely this is the opportunity God is giving me to work on impatience? And yes, it is always true: “Acceptance is the answer to all my problems today” (Alcoholics Anonymous, 4th ed., p. 417). When I remember that, I know I am just where I am meant to be. Thank God, for this amazing program. It works when I work it!
—H.E., New Zealand
