Before OA, I had tried every diet, every exercise, every new “thing” to lose weight. What I hadn’t tried was fixing myself from the inside out.
My life story didn’t start with a bad beginning. I had wonderful parents and a wonderful upbringing. My parents were always supportive and did the best they could to teach me about life, hard work, and love. I’m the baby of the family, and my two older sisters do not have the same food compulsive behaviors that I’ve had.
My first recollection of my abnormal food behavior was when I was 7 years old and had a picnic with a friend from school. She ate one cookie; I ate the rest. I remember thinking at that moment how strange that was—how could she not want more? I know my overeating started way before this as I was already overweight by that time. I truly believe I was born with this disease because I’ve always remembered having an abnormal relationship with food.
I truly believe I was born with this disease because I’ve always remembered having an abnormal relationship with food.
Before OA, I had tried every diet, every exercise, every new “thing” to lose weight. What I hadn’t tried was fixing myself from the inside out. As an adult, I faced many life struggles, and my body just got bigger and bigger. I faced life events, such as loss, divorce, layoffs, and being a single mom, by overeating food. I wanted to numb out and not feel anything. I would eat a healthy breakfast and lunch, but after work, I’d drive to three different fast-food restaurants on the way home and binge. I would then yo-yo diet: I would lose weight and gain it right back. My closet had clothes in all sizes. The more I tried to control everything, the more control I lost.
My lowest point happened a few months after the world shut down because of Covid. Overnight, life completely changed. I was now working from home, I couldn’t see my family, and I was eating myself to death. I woke up one morning and realized I gained 10 pounds (4.5 kg) in two weeks’ time. I was now weighing in at 270 pounds (122.5 kg) and needed help. Without knowing it at the time, I was given the gift of desperation. I started searching the internet for help, and at the age of 39, I found my way to OA. That search saved my life.
I started attending meetings, found a sponsor, read literature, made outreach calls, and started fixing myself from the inside. I started believing in a higher power. I worked the Steps, cleaned my side of the street, became a sponsor, lost 70 pounds (32 kg), and most of all, I started loving myself. I didn’t even realize that I didn’t love myself until after I joined OA. I had to make amends to myself as I realized that I would never treat others the way I have treated myself. Someone once put something in perspective for me. If I was asked to make a list of people I love, they said, how long would it take for me to list myself? In OA, I slowly learned to love myself and put myself on the list. I started to matter too.
If I was asked to make a list of people I love, they said, how long would it take for me to list myself?
Unfortunately, relapse is also part of my story. After about a year of abstinence, I started turning to food for comfort once again. As the world started opening up again after the Covid shutdowns, I spent less and less time in program. For the next few years, I was unable to maintain more than a week’s worth of abstinence. My life started being chaotic again. Looking back now, I realize that I took my self-will back and thought I could control my life again. My abstinence and program weren’t a priority any longer. I didn’t trust my Higher Power any longer. I lost my serenity and peace.
By the grace of my Higher Power, I never left program. I continued to show up and attend meetings, reach out and keep the connection. I found a new sponsor who showed me patience and love and was there for me through some very hard life situations. Slowly, I started making my abstinence and program top priority again. This wasn’t easy, because my life had become a very complex and busy one. But now I know what to do to keep my serenity and peace.
I wake up as a compulsive overeater every day. I’ve been given OA’s Tools of Recovery, and I need to practice them every single day. I write down an action plan daily that includes one thing that I will do just for myself. This may include a walk outside or a quiet cup of tea. I attend meetings, journal, talk to my sponsor, commit my food plan, complete a nightly inventory, read literature, make outreach calls, work the Steps, and pray and meditate. This is all very time consuming, but I know that I need to do this daily in order to live a full life. I make my program number one in my life so that I can feel the freedom that comes with abstinence. Every day, I relinquish my need for control over to my Higher Power and sometimes multiple times a day because my self-will is very strong. I remind myself daily of what life was before program because I seem to forget sometimes. I live in faith, hope, and gratitude daily.
OA saved my life and continues to save it every single day. I will forever be grateful to my HP for leading and guiding me here. I don’t live in the past nor the future. I take one day at a time and focus on the moment. It works if you work it, one day at a time and sometimes one minute at a time.
—Agnes
