My fellow’s Step Ten guidance allowed me to . . . catch my own character flaws before things got out of hand
Sitting in an empty hallway, I was grappling with some frustrating news. The literacy coordinator at my soon-to-be part-time job texted to say the hourly wage that was quoted to me was incorrect, and as bad luck would have it, the correct wage amounted to a 30 percent reduction in pay.
Prior to the news, I was so juiced about getting back into my former career! When I first reached out to express interest in the job, I felt that jolt of adrenaline, the fear/elation/excitement combo that spells super challenging work rushed through me. Yeah, it was going to be a crazy, on fire pace, but only part-time and with some of the same friends I’d worked with in the past. YES!
Then the balloon popped, and now I had a decision to think through. My pulse was up. Should I take the job or not? Even at 30 percent less, the wage was still pretty good. These days I try not to rush into decisions because I have the Twelve Steps and the Tools of Recovery to help me figure life out. So instead of texting the coordinator back, I called an OA fellow and ran my scenario past her. My explanation ended with something like, “I’m just not sure what I should do.”
Then the balloon popped, and now I had a decision to think through.
What I got in return was a gift I never expected.
The sound of rustling paper on the other end of the line confused me, and then my OA colleague started firing away some pretty intimidating questions.
“What is the nature of your character defects? How about selfishness?”
“Uh . . . I guess I’m angry at this turn of events. Maybe my pride is getting in the way of what I should be doing, but I feel like the original wage was worth my skills, but the reduction has me thinking not so much. Is that selfish?”
No reply, but my fellow posed another question. “How about dishonesty?”
“Well . . . I’m trying to be honest about how I feel, which is disappointed, but I’m really angry about the bait and switch! I mean, really? I saw the posting as well as the wage! What the heck happened?! Now that we’re talking about it, the thing is I know the woman who put this offer out there, and she wouldn’t have done this on purpose. That’s good to know.”
Sensing that I was caught off guard by her questioning, my friend offered, “We’re doing a Step Ten.”
I recalled Step Ten is about self-reflection and setting things right, but I wasn’t in the wrong, was I? She went on, questioning if I held resentment and then fear. I was stumped. Now I knew better than to answer that I was fearless because fake bravery and bravado were part of the pre-recovery version of me. But slowly an awareness arose of the fear that my bank account was not where I wanted it to be due to some planned renovations. Once I was vulnerable enough to admit it, I realized both wage offers were fueling my fear, doubt, and insecurity about never having enough money, a character defect I’ve always had no matter what was in the bank.
I felt freed. I could now see that this crazy paced job didn’t have to be the job, and I deduced that what they were offering me was not going to be worth the energy and passion I was willing to give. I also reaffirmed that their incorrect wage quote was unintentional, and as long as I proceeded with love and respect, I could turn down the job without owing any amends.
Somewhere in the midst of these epiphanies, my friend instructed me to ask God to remove my defects of character. Had I not gone through a Step Ten, I would’ve been angry, reverting to the blame game, but my fellow’s Step Ten guidance allowed me to see the literacy coordinator’s best intentions and catch my own character flaws before things got out of hand.
Program: what a beautiful way to live.
—Anonymous, USA
