I surrendered the thoughts and behaviors that blocked my progress.
I have always been an emotional eater, and fear, hurt, and anger ruled me. I felt terribly insecure, but I projected an intellectual cynicism to keep people at bay. I was a loud voice in the protest of injustice, and I ate my anger. Food had always been my comforter, until it wasn’t. I couldn’t get enough to aid my insecurity. I knew I was missing something that allowed other people to exist in the world, and I wanted to get it. Why couldn’t I get the normalcy that other people had?
I was on the board of an organization of women fighting racism, and we were holding our yearly conference for the public. Naturally, I was in charge of the catering. To make sure we didn’t come up short, I had ordered extra. When the conference concluded, I was left to take a good deal of it home. I promptly binged on the leftovers that evening and the next day. I felt physically sick and emotionally devastated. Even though there were a lot of topics that evoked strong feelings, it had been a great conference. So why had my behavior turned to hurting myself with food? I looked online for some answers and found OA.
I went to a few online meetings, and then I found some face-to-face meetings in my area. I asked questions because I wanted to “get it.” Some members told of their abstinence from sugar, so I vowed to try that. My birthday was coming up, and I was nervous about the cake, so I asked for a sugarless pie. My hosts were fine with that and supplied both kinds of desserts. When it was time to leave, I was given the pie to take with me. It only had one slice removed, the one I had eaten. Upon returning home, I consumed it that evening and the next day. Here I saw a pattern.
Even though it had no sugar, I couldn’t control the compulsion to eat it until it was gone. That’s when I really understood the entire definition of abstinence. To get abstinent, I had to stop the behavior; it wasn’t only about the type of food.
To get abstinent, I had to stop the behavior; it wasn’t only about the type of food.
I changed my eating plan and my action plan. I no longer take home food even when friends or family insist on it. I opt for non-food committees when planning conferences. I have a sponsor and work the Twelve Steps to deal with my compulsion. I lost 20 pounds (9 kg) my first year and have kept it off, but my true joy comes from the abstinence from obsessive eating and behavior. That is true freedom.
I came to OA to get something, to learn how people controlled their eating. What I found didn’t involve getting, it involved surrender. I surrendered the thoughts and behaviors that blocked my progress. Through the Twelve Steps, I became more secure. To remain so, I had to give it away. The act of surrendering and passing on what I’ve learned is so much more fulfilling than cynicism, and I’ve learned I don’t have to keep people at bay. We recover together.
—Kerry, Michigan USA
