My name is Jessica, and I am a compulsive overeater/food addict. I have been a member of OA for two years and have recently celebrated my first year of abstinence. My experience in recovery is similar to many, I’m sure. It has been scary, stressful, exhausting, emotional, funny, infuriating, simple, difficult, and extreme.
I recently found a letter that I wrote shortly after an all-night binge. The letter was written to my disease:
I’m so tired. I’m so tired of analyzing. I’m tired of counting calories and servings.
I’m tired of scales. I’m tired of lack of portion control.
I’m tired of being scared. I’m tired of being alone.
I’m tired of being tired.
You have done nothing but hurt me on a repeated basis.
You lure me in with empty promises of comfort.
You tempt me with satisfaction and fulfillment only to leave me feeling sick.
You make me degrade myself and relive every mistake from my past.
You make me lie to those whom I love most. All the while, you lie to me daily.
I’m tired of you.
I’m tired of starting “tomorrow.”
I’m tired of guilt and shame.
I’m tired of feeling like the only person who suffers.
I’m tired of you stalking me and showing up in strange places, including coworkers’ desk drawers.
I’m tired of you making me steal.
I’m tired of your contradictions. Do you want me to eat just one bite or the whole bag?! Make up your mind!
I’m tired of you keeping me awake at night, crying, bingeing, analyzing, or simply hopped up on sugar.
I hate every piece of you. I wish to God you never existed!
So why is it so hard to imagine you dead? Especially when you are killing me, my morals, and my dreams every day?
At times, you make me feel cocky because no one knows my secret.
Then, not two seconds later, you make me feel like a failure because my dress is snug.
I’m scared to death of you; I’m scared of my own death.
You have such a strong hold on me… I want you gone.
I want a life; I want to find myself—to love myself.
I want to finish something I’ve started.
I want to find patience.
I want my recovery.
I hate you. You are no good for me.
I want you gone. You don’t deserve me.
I’m committing to omit you once and for all.
It’s over. We’re through. Goodbye. Please do not write back.
Writing a letter allowed me to express every honest emotion that I had regarding the presence of this disease in my life. It allowed me to see the destruction of my addiction, and where I so desperately needed to change.
Today, thanks to Overeaters Anonymous, I am no longer just a compulsive overeater/food addict. Today, I’m also a daughter, a sister, a niece, a cousin, a friend, a girlfriend, a professional, a dreamer, a realist, an inspiration, and an advocate. Today, I am healthier, honest, kind, caring, and considerate. Most importantly, I’m an accepting individual who has learned to forgive, just for today.
