How can I practice love and tolerance toward someone who disturbs me? (For Today Workbook, p. 83)
Oh my gosh! This is such a good question and one I do not generally think about on a consistent basis or totally conscious level.
I work hard to practice love daily because it feels so good to make someone laugh, smile or feel good. When people have idiosyncrasies that disturb me, I use many of the tools taught to me through the Twelve Step programs such as:
- Pray for them for two weeks asking for them to receive what I would want for myself (success, peace of mind, good health).
- Realize that they are sick people like the Big Book says and do what I would do for any other sick person such as pray for them, give them flowers, a card, a call, a visit.
- Give them the benefit of the doubt.
- Judge them by their intentions rather than their actions.
- Recite the Serenity Prayer.
- Say the acceptance paragraph from the Big Book (Alcoholics Anonymous, 4th. edition, p. 417).
- Increase my acceptance and lower my expectations of them.
- Give them the “grace card” just as I would want the grace card.
- Give them a genuine compliment each day.
All of these concepts and quick reminders are good for the moment, but it takes so much more to truly get through resentment or major disturbance within me. I actually have to do a Tenth Step inventory and figure out my part in the situation, and then possibly work Steps Four through Nine to clear up my side of the street. It definitely helps me with empathy and even sympathy when I am able to identify and see: 1) what it is in them that reminds me of something I don’t like in me and/or 2) that I too have done something similar.
. . . concepts and quick reminders are good for the moment, but it takes so much more to truly get through resentment or major disturbance within me. I actually have to do a Tenth Step inventory and figure out my part in the situation, and then possibly work Steps Four through Nine to clear up my side of the street.
I’m glad these disturbances are fewer and further between these days because recovery works when I work it. I have to continue to work to forgive myself as quickly as I would anyone else when something happens that disturbs me and I don’t like my behavior or reaction. Today, I truly prefer to take the high road where there are “fewer cars and accidents.”
—Michele, Texas USA
