When I heard the words “Welcome Home,” I knew something was getting ready to transform my life; hope was beginning to quickly resurface.
The eve of my finding Overeaters Anonymous was an emotionally charged, nail-biting, and cynical night. The only thing I could think of was how much my life would be better off if it were over. My mind raced with countless ideas of how I could do myself in, once and for all.
I have made many attempts at suicide since adolescence, and every horrid experience I suffered weighed heavily on me for well over forty-five years. I piled on physical weight, as if it would somehow make the inner pain go away. In fact, my highest weight was 264 pounds (120 kg), size 3X, and with a body mass index of 46.
From the age of eight, when I was a sweet, unsuspecting girl, my stepfather repeatedly snuck into my room after my mother was asleep. He sexually assaulted me over and over. I felt helpless and hopeless to stop the abuse, so I gained weight to try to make myself unattractive and less desirable. Unfortunately, it did not work.
On June 10, 2022, at 7 a.m., I logged into my first virtual OA meeting. When I heard the words “Welcome Home,” I knew something was getting ready to transform my life; hope was beginning to quickly resurface. And hearing those encouraging closing words, “Keep coming back, it works if you work it,” pierced something deep inside and spiritually dared me to believe recovery was possible.
Overeaters Anonymous was an invisible force beckoning me to come in, have a virtual seat, grab a virtual cup of coffee, and then just listen, and that is exactly what I did. I listened as if my life depended on it because it literally did. The voice of someone who could tell my story without ever having known me was like unraveling a yarn in a heart that had been long obsessed with dying.
The voice of someone who could tell my story without ever having known me was like unraveling a yarn in a heart that had been long obsessed with dying.
Something miraculous happened gently and lovingly as the first three nights passed. I no longer wanted to die, and the idea of suicide disappeared into nothingness. Life began to seem to be worth living . . . or at least maybe.
I started my abstinence at my very first meeting and have been abstinent now for nearly eight months. I got a sponsor, who familiarized me with the Steps, Traditions, and the nine Tools. She also introduced me to books that would make exceptional resources for me to use during different phases of my recovery from compulsive overeating, including the Big Book, Overeaters Anonymous, Third Edition, Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, and the handout Where Do I Start?. I was all in. I purchased every book suggested in both print and digital formats to make sure nothing would stand in the way of my program.
As I worked my program, several things began to come clear:
- Instead of me taking care of everyone and everything else, it was now time to take care of myself, and that has included speaking up for myself and not allowing anyone to walk all over me or try and take advantage of my kindness. I have found there is something very dignified about taking a stand for myself. Today, I consider myself an unapologetic, unstoppable woman in hot pursuit of her life, to live it as her inner child and heart desires!
- Facing life’s circumstances with abstinence is an entirely different kind of experience. In the pre-OA experience, when stress was lurking about, my belly ruled the roost. Now that I’m in program, here’s where the rubber meets the road: can I face those same life circumstances and remain abstinent? For these last seven months, the answer has been yes, and losing my abstinence now would cost me far more than I’m willing to pay. Plus, my abstinence is my service, the only way I have of offering hope to another still-suffering compulsive overeater.
- There are days when I wonder how I’ve managed to live for as long as I have with everything I’ve experienced in this lifetime. However, one thing I know for sure: my still being in this world alone signifies that there is a purpose for my life beyond my human comprehension.
- OA has become an integral part of not only surviving but thriving. My complete surrender to OA’s process and program, coupled with my willingness to experience freedom, has yielded results beyond my imagination.
- The physical, sexual, emotional, and spiritual abuse of my childhood spilled heavily over into my adult life. I attracted romantic partners who would eventually abuse me emotionally and physically. Unbeknownst to me, it wasn’t real love that I had been seeking, so now I look for kind-heartedness and authenticity.
- Despite my best efforts, I traveled a path of blatantly denying any inward pain and resisting letting it go. Spirit would eventually lead me to find support, and while the opportunity for freedom was there, it took a very long time for that freedom to manifest because it was easier for me to hold onto the pain than to let it go. Even when I thought I was ready, it did not come easy. I now believe that the delay was not a denial but a process of getting myself in alignment to heal from the past.
OA has become an integral part of not only surviving but thriving. My complete surrender to OA’s process and program, coupled with my willingness to experience freedom, has yielded results beyond my imagination.
The Overeaters Anonymous program is saving my life one step at a time. I focus on the beauty inside the rooms of each meeting I attend. The Serenity Prayer, the OA Preamble, and the Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions are consistent and significant components in each meeting.
Born of a love affair with reading, I’ve been volunteering since Day One to read at meetings. It’s been partially selfish because my goal has been to have the program drilled down into my consciousness for when I needed to access it quickly. When not reading, I’ve been listening intently to hear something that would resonate with me and then invoking my other love affair, writing, because I don’t want to risk somehow forgetting what I’ve heard.
With a humble sense of what it would take, I committed to attending ninety meetings in ninety days, but I ended up attending more than 125 meetings. (It was the summer and I had the luxury of having time off from teaching.) I used the privilege of having that time off to build the momentum for my program.
I committed to attending ninety meetings in ninety days, but I ended up attending more than 125 meetings.
With all humility, I completed the Twelve Steps over a six-month period. I have since restarted the Steps for a second time because it is not a one and done process: repetition builds momentum, strength, and hope. Momentum is necessary because it’s very easy to give up if too much time lapses between the Steps. Strength to continue walking in the direction of my goals comes from the actions I’ve completed. Hope is what we aspire to, but it is not only for us; this is what we can share with others who are still suffering and filled with uncertainty about whether they can achieve long-lasting success.
At this stage, it is important to mention that the OA program itself is simple, but working the program in order to achieve results is an entirely different matter. The foundations of the program are honesty and willingness, two qualities which caused me great strain for the first couple of weeks. However, once I connected with those two attributes, my program began to flow with greater ease. They became the structure and base for me, like a road map.
Begin with Step One. Skipping ahead to other Steps is not recommended, because each one feeds off of the ones that precede it. The order is tried and true, and there’s no sense in changing what has already worked for thousands and thousands of people who have come through the OA program with optimal success.
Step Four was very helpful. It not only helped me identify those I had harmed while in the throes and chaos of compulsive eating but also pointed out a lot of my character defects and fears, which I had tucked so far away that I was unaware they even existed. I’d always taken great pride in fearing nothing and no one (another character defect), but Step Four shed a bright light on my fear of rejection. Another character defect was my need to control every facet of my life, but I had zero control.
In hindsight, it is no wonder why I wasn’t living my life to the fullest on any level: I was in a continual state of chaos. Mixing up fear of rejection and need for control while having no control made for a very miserable life. Each passing day was a demolition derby, chock full of nonsense, drama, lies, betrayal, hatred, distrust, dysfunction, abusive behavior, zero confidence, and zero self-esteem. Consequently, I had no sense of who I was or why I was here.
Today, however, my practice of the Twelve Steps leaves me with some very empowering ways of seeing life. For example, I have always loved to smile, but the difference today is my smiles are not forced in an attempt to hide from inner pain. Today those smiles are coming from a place of inner peace, confidence, and happiness.
Therapy has always been a rock for me, having someone in whom to confide my fears, character defects, over-thinking, my many dysfunctional relationships, poor or hasty choices, poor management of resources, and blatant resistance to trusting anyone. My therapist is also my sponsor and a long-term member of OA who has recovered from compulsive eating. She has been a great beacon of support for me over the years as I’ve worked through tons of unresolved issues from childhood. She recently brought up how our relationship has changed since my OA program began, and I now see my childhood trauma with a different slant, one that is in support of my willingness to finally let it go.
She has observed that this difference has been in direct proportion to the amount of time and work I have put into my program. I began Day One with no more fast food, no more carbonated drinks (strictly water), no more bread, no more donuts, no more candy, no sugar, and no flour. With the help of my Higher Power, I tore down the walls built around the pain of that sweet and innocent eight-year-old girl I once was. I wrapped my arms around her and let her know that she will not have to carry that burden anymore. Going forward, we are letting go so we can live our life in peace, void of the pain from the past.
Since OA, my therapy sessions have taken on a new vibe, one filled with discussion of lessons, and I have learned:
- It is okay to not be okay sometimes.
- I can turn thoughts of defeat into victories, even small ones.
- I cannot control the actions of others nor am I responsible for the actions of others.
- Everything does not have to be resolved all at once.
- Nobody can set the pace for my life; that is only up to God and my willingness to listen.
I’d like to close with the promises because my resiliency to keep taking one step at a time makes it possible for them to come into fruition:
“If we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we will be amazed before we are half way through. We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness. We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it. We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace. No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others. That feeling of uselessness and self-pity will disappear. We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows. Self-seeking will slip away. Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change. Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us. We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us. We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves.
“Are these extravagant promises? We think not. They are being fulfilled among us—sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. They will always materialize if we work for them” (Alcoholics Anonymous, Fourth Edition, pp. 83–84).
Before I started writing this story, my thoughts for a title were about having “Nowhere to Run,” but by the time I finished that changed to “No Need to Run.” This captures the essence of where my journey began in OA and where it is now.
Thank you for this opportunity to share my gratitude for OA and submit my story to Lifeline.
—Blanca, Oregon USA
