I have learned self-forgiveness and self-compassion. . . . I have learned so much in this program.
I walked into my first OA meeting in August 1979, after years of calorie counting, commercial weight-loss programs, and fad diets. In the meeting, I heard I had a disease, and it wasn’t my fault. You had me at that. I was given a blue sheet (a food plan) told to call my sponsor each day, and so the journey began. I lost 100 pounds (45 kg) in ten months. I worked the Steps and went to many meetings weekly, but after a year and a half, I was not able to sustain my abstinence and recovery. I gained back 50 pounds (23 kg) and spent over twenty years wavering between recovery and relapse.
The miracle and spiritual awakening happened for me in February 2002. I had retired from teaching and thought my life would be relatively carefree and enjoyable, but I was dragging myself up and out of bed each day and was not particularly joyful. I read a book that asked, “When were you happiest and most purposeful in your life?” and I had to reflect: It was in the early 1980s when I was steeped in OA, working the Steps, going to retreats and conventions and meetings, and enjoying fellowship. My abstinence began on February 24, 2002.
My sponsor helped me create a Higher Power that was loving and very concerned with my welfare. I began a morning practice for which I set aside a special room in my house—I painted it “serenity blue” and decorated it with pictures, OA posters and literature, and a recliner on which I sat and did my morning practice. Once again, I was writing down my food each night and found I could easily follow my plan. Six months later, by August 2002, I was back to my goal weight.
I have maintained a 110-pound (50 kg) weight loss since then. My self-esteem has blossomed as has my life. I “put down the whip” with the food, and through the years, I have also put down the whip on myself. I have learned self-forgiveness and self-compassion. My Higher Power, who I call God, is always there for me and wants the best for me. One of my daily practices is doing two-way prayer. That keeps me in touch with God.
I have learned so much in program. During the pandemic, I went back to meditation. I had learned to meditate in the 70s but couldn’t sustain a consistent practice. In 2007, I attended a meditation workshop at a wellness center and heard about meditating as if riding on a horse through the landscapes of my being: my mind, body, heart and soul. This is my favorite way to meditate currently. For years, I listened to guided meditations, did mindfulness breathing, took online courses in meditation, joined a meditation group, and eventually developed a practice that worked for me. Consistency is the key, even if it’s only five minutes daily. Most days, I meditate for an hour. It has become a highlight of my day.
The other practice that gets me “rocketed into a fourth dimension” (Alcoholics Anonymous, 4th edition, p. 25) is writing my gratitudes each night. I find that by keeping myself in the positive mode of what has gone right, my hope and optimism grow. I send out my gratitudes to my sponsor and many others who send their gratitudes to me.
The other practice that gets me “rocketed into a fourth dimension” (Alcoholics Anonymous, 4th edition, p. 25) is writing my gratitudes each night.
I have embraced the concept of emotional sobriety which to me is emotional balance and maturity. As Bill W. wrote, “Here we begin to practice all Twelve Steps of the program in our daily lives so that we and those about us may find emotional sobriety” (AA’s Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, p. 106). After the food is down and no longer a problem, “We feel as though we had been placed in a position of neutrality—safe and protected” (Alcoholics Anonymous, 4th Edition, p. 85). I needed to look at how I’d been living my life and how I had been responding. I learned to pause . . . to respond rather than react, and to use my experience to evaluate what is working and what needs to change. This design for living has helped me live a more balanced, joyful life. Such concepts as not taking things personally (maybe those boys when I was in high school weren’t laughing at my weight but at something else entirely). Another concept, that “no one is coming,” helps me grow up and take responsibility. I am responsible for my attitude and actions. I can see the glass as half full or half empty. It’s my choice. I’ve learned that when I am disturbed there is something wrong with me. I’ve learned that saying to someone “You may be right” instead of defending my position, makes life much calmer and more sustainable. I’ve embraced the concept of low expectations and high hopes. I need to accept life as it is. I’m okay “even if.” I have become a gentler person.
My relationships today are very good. I used to complain about my family members, but now I can accept them as being exactly the way they are supposed to be. People do things for themselves, not to me. My marriage has flourished. My grown children come to me for advice. I have beautiful relationships with all my grandchildren and great grandchildren. I am truly blessed.
I love to sponsor and have many people in my circle. I have a sponsor who has been my mentor and confidant for 17 years. I give service when I can by speaking at meetings, being a member of intergroup, and serving on the Los Angeles Intergroup board. I have also been a World Service Business Conference delegate and a representative of Region Two and Region Six. I have led retreats and have both chaired and been a keynote speaker at conventions. I have met many wonderful people through service.
I found OA on Long Island, New York and had over one hundred friends on the East Coast. We used to go to meetings daily, always followed by lunch at various diners. We had such a strong bond to each other that I never thought of living anywhere else. Then we experienced Hurricane Sandy in 2012, and things changed. The impact of the flood and loss of my house helped me let go of it all. From that experience, I’ve learned that what may look like a disaster may in fact help me to move on. It was much easier to let go of the house after it was rebuilt and was no longer the old, familiar home that I had lived in for over 35 years. It taught me about perspective and being able to see things from a different viewpoint. I moved to Los Angeles where my daughter was living. I knew I would be able to feel at home in Los Angeles because of my OA program. I don’t miss the cold weather and have made many new friends.
I like myself today. I know my strengths and appreciate them. I am in acceptance of my aging body. My self-esteem has grown, and I enjoy optimism. I practice being kind and compassionate. I see how my need for the approval of others and my self-seeking, which always showed up strongly on my Fourth Steps, had diminished me. I was a chameleon, never knowing who I was. I had developed a persona, a false self, who had to be perfect to get your approval. Maybe that is why I didn’t get into the sororities in high school and college that I wanted so much to join. I used to ask the gurus and seek their approval to feel okay. Now I can check my intention. Why do I want to do this? Honesty has become a key to my discovery.
I am not allergic to sugar. I eat all foods. I have developed my own sense of reason and see that, for me, it is about the fullness that makes me uncomfortable, not the substance. We are all different. Vive la differénce! There is room for us all in this wonderful program.
I have fun in my life. I have reconnected online with my Long Island friends, and for the past four years, we meet weekly with our book club. I began playing mahjongg again after teaching it to a group of people in my apartment building. I belong to an exercise group. I walk daily and feel good when I get my 10,000 steps. When I am with my grandchildren and great grandchildren, I can get down on the floor and play—and yes, I can get up off the floor! Last year my family went to South Africa, and we went on a Safari and then to Cape Town. I went snorkeling with the seals at the age of 83. I am feeling better now than I did all those years ago when I walked into my first OA meeting.
These days I am grateful for online meetings in our lives. Thank you, OA. I am forever grateful for Rozanne for founding this Fellowship. I attend the OA Birthday Party each January in Los Angeles. It is a wonderful event. I hope to see some of you there, as we “trudge the Road of Happy Destiny” (Alcoholics Anonymous, 4th Edition, p. 164) together.
—Roberta L., California USA
